Lost On Highway Zero

I grind the gears as I slow the car down in order to avoid hitting the fog too fast. I get nervous every time I drive in this think of fog. It scares me to think about what’s on the other side, what’s hiding in its thicket. I can’t help but think that there’s something frighteningly mysterious awaiting in it depths. Not before long, my car is in idle, rolling oh so slowly through the white out. I pretend to know what I’m looking at, pretending for no one, but myself.

This whole drive started, because I needed some time to think, needed some time to be on my own. Being around all those people made me feel like my chest was about to cave in. Everyone always says that being around the ones you love helps, but being surrounded by anything helps nothing. Fight or flight they say. My mode of operation in this situation was to fly. That’s where you find me, “flying,” or more like rolling through this eerily dense fog.

What started off as a drive just to clear my mind has literally ended up in the cloudiest of situations. Now that I ended up here, not being able to see much but the continuous yellow dashes in the middle of the road. I think back to the beautiful scenery just before the fog. The sun was setting behind the mountains, giving a deep cadmium orange and yellow glow from just over the ridge. The deep violet and cerulean blues married perfectly with the pinkish hue that sucked me in completely. The light desert breeze blew through the car window to so send a pleasant shiver down my spine. The mountains emulated silhouettes of saws sitting upright on a deep red – nearly crimson – landscape.

To be honest, this fog is rather surprising. It’s never in this parts during this time of the year, and especially with the weather the way it is.

I traversed through the fog, passing unknown streets, signs, and turns unfamiliar to my normal drive. I must’ve made a wrong turn somewhere in the beginning of the fog bank. Somewhere along the line, I guess I headed for the mountains, ’cause with every toss and turn, I was climbing. The fog thickened. I began to grow increasingly anxious and wary that I was headed toward a cliff, or some unknown place.

The road began to straighten out and descend. With the dropping elevation, the fog dissipated. I came down from what seemed like the mountains in the earlier distance, down into a lush valley with the sun shining. “I couldn’t have been in the mountains, in the fog, all night!” I whispered to myself.

As I cruise into the valley of the rolling grass hills hugging the sides of the road, with the partly cloudy sky kissed up at the hilltops, a sense of euphoria came over me. This place was beautiful. I wondered why I had never been here before. On this straight road, it was hard to believe that it was right on the other side of the fog.

In the distance, off to my right, coming from one of the connecting roads was what looked like a rickety old car barreling down into the valley. My eyes followed the path of the wily car and saw that we were both headed for a merge that could be cataclysmic! The car bounced, it scraped, and the wheels screeched. The driver could be seen flying around as the car seemed to barely hang on to the winding road. We both approached the merge. My heart raced. Seconds away, I braced myself for a collision. I gripped the steering wheel and closed my eyes.

Clinching anxiously to the steering, I peaked out of the corner of my eye and caught a glimpse of the madman behind the wheel of the crazed car. Immediately, I had to take a second look as I could’ve sworn the driver was someone I hadn’t seen in years. “Jeff?” I yelled out in confusion. The driver looked back slightly, just enough for me to confirm my superstition; it was Jeff.

The craziest thing about seeing Jeff is that he passed away about a decade ago. I couldn’t believe my eye. I pumped the gas to catch up to him. There was so much I wanted to say; so many things I wanted to ask. As my car couldn’t keep up, my frustration started to boil. Tears filled my eyes. “JEFF!” I screamed at the top of my lungs. To my horror, I watched the car bounce through the valley and out of sight.

I kept driving down this lost highway wondering what the hell just happened. Was I going crazy? Why the hell was my mind playing such a bizarre trick on me? I wiped the tears from my eyes and kept on my way. The scene in my rear-view mirror was clouded. Giving no thought as to why, I forged on.

My car sputtered over a hill and farther into the valley. In the distance, to my left stood an amazing mountain range with majestic waterfalls pouring down into the rivers below. This valley was truly outstanding. This highway was something else. As I gazed upon the beautiful landscape, I notice the silhouette of a man sitting on a log on the side of the road ahead of me. I let my foot off the gas to slow up and see if he needed any help. The car slowed down enough for me to begin to discern the figure. Within yards of the man, I realized that it was Chris Ceccini, my childhood and lifelong friend who had passed last year. My heart nearly jumped from my chest. I pumped the brakes ferociously, but with no response. I did everything I could to stop.

“CHRIS! NO!” I screamed.

Losing Chris last year changed my life and hurt me beyond belief. I still to this day cannot handle it. I wanted to stop the car and pick him up to have one more conversation with him. My car rolled past him, and as it did, I caught the most beautiful image of my friend.

There he was wearing a tweed coat, guitar in hand, glasses, hat, mountains and sunset resting behind him. He stopped playing the guitar, looked up at me and smiled. He nodded his head as if he answered every question I had. Pointing at me with his index finger, his smile grew. I began to cry uncontrollably. Why wouldn’t this damn car stop? Where was I? Tears rolled down my cheek as Chris faded away in the rear-view. My eyes were fixed looking back, I nearly crashed into the fence lining the road.

I began to climb through the rolling hills within the valley, astonished at what I had seen and how the landscape was ever-changing. The hills led down to a road that lined a beautiful lake shadowed by the tallest peak. Red and blues vibrantly echoed off each other to make the mountains look picturesque. I couldn’t stop thinking of the friends I saw, and the breath-taking ambiance of this place.

As if it were meant to be, in the distance, I spotted a small structure. DING! My gas light illuminated. Approaching the building, I realized it was a gas station. I finally was able to pull the vehicle over.

Stopped at the pump, I rushed inside to see if anyone was around. Pleasant music played over the speakers in this immaculate convenient store. No one was to be seen. I circled the building; not a soul in sight.

Returning to my car, I decided to fill up my gas so I could then be on my way.

I placed the nozzle back into the pump, walked around my car to the driver’s side. Reaching for the door handle, I looked up and was caught by surprise by the sight in my passenger’s seat. Sitting there was the most beautiful thing I could’ve ever imagined.

“Ilana!” I struggled to cry out.

In my car sat my old friend, Ilana. Ilana had passed away in our early twenties. She was my childhood neighbor, and quite possibly the best friend a person could ever have. At the sight of her, I shook. I trembled. My knees gave away and fell to the ground. I heard her door open and footsteps approach me from around the front of the car. Her arms wrapped around my body and lifted me up.

“Sweetie, get up and get in the car. We have to go,” she whispered gently.

I couldn’t contain myself. I wrapped my arms around her neck and pulled her in tight. Trying to choke up the words, she interrupted and said, “Jared, it’s okay honey, I’m here. Let’s get in the car.” We both sat in our respective seats and closed the doors. I struggled to put the keys in the ignition, in disbelief, I couldn’t take my eyes off her. The car started and we were off.

As we rolled through the valley, there was so much I tried to ask her, but she kept interrupting me with memories and stories of our past. My cries quickly turned to laughter. My face began to hurt from smiling so much. Driving with her, I forgot about all the pain I left behind, all the pain I’d felt, all the bad things I’d done, all the poor decisions I’d made. Then, like a kick to the stomach, I remembered that there was something eating me alive.

“Ilana! I’m so sorry!,” I muttered. Tears built up on my cheek. I continued, “Three days before you collapsed, you sent me a text, stating how proud of me you were that I graduated from St. Mary’s, and that I had become a teacher. You told me that you always believed in me and that you knew I’d do great things. I saw the text, and never responded to you. I saw it immediately when you sent it, but thought, eh, I’ll see her soon, and get that big Ilana Banana embrace. Instead, within a week, I was embracing you, while you yawned due to cognitive reactions to the firing of synapses, as you lie there on life-support.”

She smiled at me with that motherly look she always had, and replied, “Jared, it’s ok. I know you’ve been having a hard time with that, and you haven’t seen my signs telling you to stop beating yourself up about it. Every time you start to hate yourself for not responding to me, do you ever notice how you immediately start to remember the stupid and fun times we had growing up? That’s me, you DORK! I’m trying to hit you over your dumbass head, and trying to remind you of what our lives were really about. Our friendship was not, and never will be defined by the lack of response from a dumb text, you moron. I never went anywhere. How could I? Your heart still beats, right? Think about it. My home was never meant to be on Earth for that long, but in that time, look at the homes I made in your heart, and the hearts of others. You’ve always made me so proud, and continue to all the time. I see all the things you do, and I TOLD YOU, I was right. But you have to do me a favor.”

“Yes, anything!” I replied.

“You have to keep driving. You can’t stop, and if you do, do it only for a moment to remember why YOU’RE here. I love you so much, and always will cherish the impact you had on my life,” she added.

I wiped the teared from my eyes, looked over at her to show her my truest face, and promise her I would.

She was gone.

A cry came from the depths of my soul that extinguished a part of me, that will never return. After what seemed like an eternity, I inhaled the warmest breath. I put my head on the wheel and let the torrent of tears flow.

When I looked up, I was no longer in the valley. I looked from left to right, surrounded by the fog again. I looked into the rear-view mirror and could only see the red glow of the brake lights in the dense air. My heart became heavy, sinking to the deepest trenches of my chest

I crept through the, until I cam to a clearing at the top of the hill. In the distance, I could see the highway that led to the house party I was at earlier. A feeling of clarity washed over me. I made my way back to the house, smiling, thinking of how life is beautiful. Arriving back in the driveway, I turned the car off, and sat there looking at the dash with a thousand yard stare. I love my friends.

The End.